I can’t help the way you make me feel, you make me want to yell out from over the rooftops, you make me want to jump in your arms the second I see you, you make me want so much that sometimes my heart feels that it’s about to explode.

I hate this.

But then I love it.

You simply make me feel, and when I start feeling I start to realize that I am still human. It’s been ages, we’ve been together for a lifetime almost and yet nothing official has happened yet. It’s time for it, yet the world is not our oyster this year, but there is still hope. Still hope that by the end of the year things will be official. Things will make sense to the rest of the world as they have been making sense for us.

We continue each others thoughts, each others sentences, each others souls, each others everything! We just complete each other. And we do it quite well. I remember just sitting there talking to you late at night and saying exactly what you wanted to say on your behalf. I remember your reaction and how you jokingly say “GET OUT!” as in get out of your head. But you know that deep down inside I am a part of you that will never leave. I am bound to you heart, soul, mind, spirit, and everything. Whatever is on your mind I’m bound baby and I love being bound for you.

But at the same time I hate it.

I hate that you know how much I am bound to you and how much you mean to me. I am afraid it will be used against me. But then again.

I love it. I love that you know me and know who I am, what I am, and how much I adore you.

The way you make me feel, sometimes leaves me speechless, other times it makes me go on and on and on, like how I am going on here. But I can’t help it, I love you, I love youuuuu, it is you whom I love and adore and would die for a thousand deaths. You are the Romeo to my Juliet, the Mark Anthony to my Cleopatra, the Clyde to my Bonnie, the Paris to my Helen of Troy, you are my everything. Damn you for making me feel this way. I can’t handle it sometimes, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything but think of you.

Please, oh please God, let this be our year. End this year in a much better way than it began because I need this good thing in my life. I need him, my true love, my one and only, my all.


All About Mr. X (Pt 10)

July 24, 2009


Jade is signing into MSN…….

She waited until her contact list popped up, and thought to herself, ‘Wow it’s been what ages since I signed in here’ such memories are best to be forgotten or better yet let’s sit and remember them, what have I got to lose, I’m single now and should be proud of it.

Her contact list loaded and she went through the online friends, one name in particular made her gasp and go “OMG.”  She couldn’t believe it after all that time HE was online.  It’s been what 2 years, ages since their last conversation.  She moved the mouse and pointed it on his nickname ‘Mr. X’ getting ready to double-click it to initiate that first chat in 2 years.



She doesn’t remember if she debated whether she should be the one to send the first message or wait for a hello from him, but seeing that she was the one who just signed in, he might not be as aware as she is of her contact list, so she decided to risk it.  It was such a great friendship she had with ‘Mr. X’ you see a little background is needed to understand why it was such a great thing for her to see him online.

3 years earlier, when mIRC was a major craze with all the teenage population she met him, she was posing as a much older woman, a senior in high school and was meeting all sorts of people, just for the sake of establishing a friendship, sort of like a penpal situation.  You remember when you were in middle school and you read all those kid novels that had people meeting other people from all around the world and getting to know different cultures, well that was the situation with her.

So this one summer afternoon, she was spending the night at her cousin’s house she signed on to mIRC in the wee hours of the morning and met him, after the initial a/s/l’s (remember those pathetic days?) Well he told her that he was 13 years old while she embelished on her age and said that she was 17 and a half.  It was believed by both parties but you should see how it went on, no matter how it’s described you just had to be there.  The moment Jade found out he was 13 she went “OMG!” and started to say ” Awwwww you’re so cute, so young, you could be my son..” and Mr. X laughed and started to call her “Mommy” it was such a cute relationship where everytime they were online she would call him “son” and he would call her “Mommy”.

So innocent and so pure, but it did not have such a strong base to last because after the craze started to die down and they added each other on MSN they each went their separate paths for 2 years.  She got into the relationships with Nasser and Jassim, oh and let’s not forget some other dude who shall not be mentioned because he was the reason she rebounded to Jassim, and then Jassim was the reason she rebounded to Nasser.  Confusing much?

Back to that open chat window with Mr. X, Jade stared at the screen with a huge smile and thought to herself “Why not, let’s see what the little bugger is up to!”  Never for one moment did she think that the second she started typing those letters that she would be entering the most important relationship of her life.  Not once did the idea pop into her head that they each had lied about their age and that both would be the other’s soul mate.

Years later, today, Jade still can’t believe that lucky day he popped back into her life but she is ever so thankful that he did.  It was never smooth sailing for them in the beginning but when it got good, it got good…


That my friends is the introduction to Mr. X (who is still nameless, and whom I can’t even find a name to match with! Because well I love his name so much and I can’t see him in any other name but who knows I’m leaning towards Abdulrahman, Thary, Bader, or something… I hope this makes up for the many weeks of not posting, so here you go 🙂

Bad Jade

July 6, 2009

I’ve seriously been a bad Jade, last time I posted was May 24th, I keep wanting to post but I got stuck on the names so I just stopped thinking about it, and kept putting the story on hold but right now I’m working on the next few parts of the story I want to at least post more often and give you the real deal and what happened with Mr. X.

I am not sure what more to say but thank you to those readers who are still checking back to see if I’m still alive, I am ever so grateful for you guys.  Seriously you guys make my day when I read a comment or two from you 🙂

If it’s not too much to ask, please suggest some cool guy names, names that make you go weak in the knees, something that I can use but that doesn’t interfere with what other bloggers are using, i.e. there are too many Hamad’s, Fahad’s, Fawaz’s, Faisal’s, and such out there.  I just want something that can be associated with this story and not to confuse you readers.

Sorry for the late-ness in this post.  I’ve been meaning to write something new but kept on getting bombarded with life-issues.  I hope to update this more often, I keep thinking of wiping the blog out and just stopping but then I think that it’s a story worth to be told, who knows who out there is going through the same thing.  Right now I’m having an issue with finding the right name for Mr. X (a.k.a Mr. Right) so if there are any suggestions out there please help me.  Anyways hope you like this post 🙂


Jade hung up after hearing Nasser saying “I’m getting married next week”, well not directly after she debated with him as to what this means and why was he doing this but he was so cold and not even answering much.  So she said “Okay…(silence)  I guess I wish you a happy life and this is the end to everything.”  Nasser responded by saying “Thanks and I wish you the same.”  He didn’t even bother fighting or even explaining anything it seems as if he was just too eager to let it all go.  Where was that love that he kept on pushing on her all those months back when she was with Jassim.  Where was the early promises that they would be great together.  Maybe she was his rebound she thought.  Maybe she’s just not worth being married to, it doesn’t seem as if anyone is bothering anymore, no one just wants to stick with her, she’s just not worth it, she thought.

She then hung up and stared at the ceiling.  Tears were about to slide from the corners of her eyes.  Actually maybe one or two actually did but that was it.  She refused to cry over such a break up.  They weren’t even an official couple, they hung out, made out once or twice.  Nothing more and nothing less.  One can’t call that a relationship, more of a friendship that was lost.

Jade had cried her last tears and not out of sorrow but for a friend she lost and because Nasser wasn’t only a lover or potential boyfriend but a friend.  Life will go on after him and just because they broke up or he’s getting married doesn’t mean she can’t go on.  At least she got out of an abusive relationship with Jassim.

Later that night she decided to get on MSN and check her many different handle names, she remembered how before she used to get on mIRC and chat with many different people and every time she had a new nickname meant an email, or every time she was with a guy she felt that her previous email was too childish so she’d just create a new one, shift most of her friends but some were always lost on the old addresses, some were just not always online to talk to but oh well.

Jade is signing into MSN…….

She waited until her contact list popped up, and thought to herself, ‘Wow it’s been what ages since I signed in here’ such memories are best to be forgotten or better yet let’s sit and remember them, what have I got to lose, I’m single now and should be proud of it.

Her contact list loaded and she went through the online friends, one name in particular made her gasp and go “OMG.”  She couldn’t believe it after all that time HE was online.  It’s been what 2 years, ages since their last conversation.  She moved the mouse and pointed it on his nickname ‘Mr. X’ getting ready to double-click it to initiate that first chat in 2 years.


Random Question

May 6, 2009

I know I’ve been so lazy and not updating but things have been hectic in my life. Anyways I would like to ask you guys a question and by guys I think I am talking about (Cupid ;* and Dazzlin’) mostly hehe since you are my only two readers.

If you were to marry the love of your life, and you came from a mixed school system, a system where it was okay to interact with other guys have them on MSN, Facebook, etc… And that husband to be tells you, you have to close those things, or delete all the guys in your life that are not family, what would you do?

Would you say yes or no?

Note to the Readers: The whole point of this blog is not going to be the previous relationships, I never wanted to focus a lot on them, and they are just there to show what went wrong in a broader view, but they are part of the past and part of what makes the present so they have to be written.  That is why this post will feel quite quick and not as flowy as the previous ones but we are getting closer to the real jist of this blog.  I hope you like it, and I’m sorry for taking so long to write it up.


Things were kind of weird with them the next few months, they were dating but not really dating, talking to each other a lot but at the same time not sharing anything significant.  In Jade’s eyes, Nasser was confusing, she knows that he loves her but he keeps her at a distance and never gets really close and she keeps chalking that up to the fact that he doesn’t want to be her rebound.  But if he would’ve thought to ask he would know that he wasn’t her rebound but someone she deeply cared about.

The new year rolled in and with it many dreams that foreshadowed what will happen next.  It was a curse she was born with, sometimes she would dream something that will come true if not in the same way but in a similar atmosphere.  One of the most important dreams that she had was one where she was meeting up with Nasser in a parking lot, where she got into his Trail Blazer and was about to drive around with him.  But oddly enough 3 girls stopped them from going further and kept taking him away from her.  Getting him to focus his attention towards them.  It was a dream nothing more and nothing less but later that May it came true.

Later that May she got a call from Nasser, she got THE call.

Incoming Call – Nasser:

Jade picked up saying “Alooo”

Little did she know that it would be the last “alooo” she would say to him.  It was in that call that he informed her that he was getting married in a week.  That he will be cutting all connections and ties to her.  It was also that call where she didn’t feel anything and just felt a pang of sadness, a feeling of loss.  She was losing someone important to her, but it was also in that call where she did not fight for him.  They never defined anything, their relationship was not a relationship but a friendship, she still talked to other guys and he of course talked to other girls.  She cried, she had to because well in a way it was a dream, a person whom she dreamed she might end up with, but that was it.  Crying over a dream not fulfilled, not over the love of her life.


It’s been years now and Jade no longer remembers the details of that call but the thing Jade can tell you now, is that, that call was the best call of her life.  It was the call that got her life rolling and the call that would change everything for her.

If she were to look back now at her life, she would say that Nasser was her rebound from her rebound Jassim.  Nasser got her to see that there are others out there who would actually care for her and not try to change who she really is.  And Nasser might’ve been the reason things were going to start to get better.  Were probably the reason why she will met “THE ONE”.

Pretty soon, August started rolling in and the end of summer break was almost there.  Senior year was almost starting and Jade couldn’t wait to get back to school.  Throughout those past few weeks she started reconnecting with Musaed as well as Nasser.  She still had that first crush that she always felt when talking to Musaed but she knew that it will never be with him.  So she tried to stay away.

Nasser also tried to stay away from her, keeping her at an arm’s length.  Not getting too involved and not completely ignoring her.  They spoke so often, every night but it always felt he wasn’t giving Jade his complete self and she tried to give him time to do whatever he wanted but she did not spend all her time pining for him.

Fahad got into the picture, an old friend whom she spoke to from time to time.  He was one of the first guys she met online, and one who she kept in touch with because although they flirted quite a lot he still looked out for her as an older brother would.  He didn’t know the full details of her life but then again he didn’t need to.  He gave her his friendship without the need for anything else.  But Fahad is not the one we should be focusing about.

So we’re back to Nasser, who flirted with her quite often, made her feel that she was the only one, but at the same did not define what he had with her.  She felt that any day now he can give her up and leave, and who knows what the days have in store for her.

She started school again, and with school came newer chances to meet up with him.  She was not the type who would go out with her friends because well her parents did not believe that she should go out without them.  And so the only way she could see Nasser would be to go over to a friend’s house and arrange to meet somewhere outside when they left the house to either go shopping or have a drink at a cafe.

And that was how she got a chance to meet Nasser in mid December, she went over to see Dana one of her newest closest friends and got a chance to meet up with him.

[Note:] I have a problem in writing dialogues I try to remember most of what happened but I cannot capture the reality of the dialogue therefore I try to ignore it and move on to describing events so I’m sorry if it gets boring 😦  But thanks alot for reading and cheering me on to write my story :*

The Day After (Pt 6)

April 12, 2009

Later that night she went to bed, relaxed and comfortable, it felt as if a huge weight has been lifted and she could breathe again.  He didn’t mean that much to her, she should’ve kept the relationship as it was, a rebound and not take it to places.  It was a year lost from her life and she couldn’t get it back.  Thinking back on how she gave up on Nasser for Jassim was crazy but we can’t go back to change time now can we?

The next morning she woke up and was excited about getting online in hopes of catching Nasser there.  She logged onto MSN and looked around in her list.

Nope, she thought.  He’s not online yet, it must be really early right now at 1 pm.  She left her computer for a while and went to spend time with her little brothers playing some games.

Right around 9 pm she went back online to find that both Nasser, and her ex (before Jassim) Musaed was online as well.  She felt happy because even though she and Musaed were broken up, even though he left her for the lamest reasons ever, he still kept in touch with her and they had a good break up, they remained friends and to her that meant a lot.

She started talking to them both telling them about how she left Jassim, in separate chats.  Musaed was happy for her, because he had told her before he didn’t think Jassim was the guy for her, he knew things about Jassim and he told her how he used to be a player and all that but she didn’t listen.  Musaed didn’t want to tell her “I told you so” so he didn’t.  But he was genuinely happy for her.

Nasser on the other hand, was more on his guard, when he heard the news from her.  One of the few things he told her, were that even though she broke up with Jassim, it doesn’t mean that they will get together.  In fact they won’t.  He won’t be the reason for her break up and he doesn’t want to play second fiddle to Musaed because regardless of what she keeps telling him, he still thinks that she loves Musaed and did all of this for Musaed and not him.

Jade felt frustrated, it’s like she finishes from one problem and gets another but she was glad regardless of this chance, she told him that she did not expect them to get together that as friends they were already great.  But deep down inside she wanted him.  She’s willing to wait, and this waiting is exactly what she needs because in the end she can finally be single and enjoy life without a man controlling her.

And so, that’s how it went on for the next few months, July 2001 was the month of her break up with Jassim, and that was the beginning of the rest of her life.

Note: This is a true story, modified here and there to keep a hint of mystery around.  And for those of you who already know who I am.  Please keep it to yourselves or tell me later on, because I think this is my privacy and I would like to control how others view it.  But I sure hope you guys love reading this story.  Believe me, lots of times, I get told how this should be turned into a book because others can learn so much from what I went through and I can’t help but agree.

Jade sat there waiting for his call, remembering all the things she went through with Jassim. He really put her through a lot, and did not respect her opinion or ideas at all. He kept on telling her how much he loved her and thought that she was the one. But at the same time he used to tell her things that degraded women everywhere.

This one time without any introductions he started talking about fallen women, about those who talk to guys, and how he would not want one of those women to be his wife, a woman who got involved emotionally and physically whatever it was with another guy, he said that he saw them as if they were a slice of cake eaten by another person and he does not want anyone’s leftovers. He knew however that she had a previous relationship although it did not go anywhere and was so short and basically superficial he felt it necessary to say that.

He also felt it necessary to mention how the one time he came back during Xmas Break, how his mom had taken him to meet other girls so he would get married to, how he thought that there was no future with her. But then gave up on that search because according to him, he’s so in love with her.

Those were signs she should’ve seen long before but unfortunately didn’t.

The phone began to vibrate, and she picked it up.

The conversation was not that long, but not that short either. He started by telling her that she shouldn’t break up with him, that he is the best thing that will happen to her. He mentioned many things how he loves her and feels that she is his soul mate.

Jade replied saying “But I don’t see you as my soul mate, you’ve repressed me, you’ve made me into a person I have never wanted to become and sorry but that is not enough for me.

He kept on fighting to keep her in his control, when he found no use with his words he then went on to attack her and her relationship with other guys. He started ask her if there was someone else. Jade replied “No there isn’t, and please don’t start making up reasons for my breaking up with you other than the ones I’ve stated.” He went on saying “What about that guy Nasser who is emailing you recently, are you leaving me for him?

She was taken back by his response and went on to say “No, Nasser has nothing to do with this. Please don’t bring other people into this, it’s not necessary.” He went on to say “Well if you were leaving me for him, don’t think ina he will marry you, he just wants to fool around with you because obviously you are such an easy girl, you easily shift from guy to guy.” His words stung her and enforced her decision to move on with the break up, she felt that she needed to cut this international call short.

You know what Jassim, khalas it’s over, just forget me, I don’t want anything to deal with you anymore and it’s not because of anyone else, whoever I talk to is my friend, at least someone who understands me the way I am and does not want to clone me into something so repressed that within a year or two I would be unrecognizable to myself. I have had it” Jade said.

Jassim saw no way to changing Jade’s mind so he cursed her a bit and hung up the phone.

And that was the last time she heard of him that year.

The Break Up Chat (Pt4)

April 5, 2009

“MSN is currently logging in…” appeared on the screen.

Jade started to play with her nails while waiting for the connection to be made.  ‘Ugh, it’s taking forever,’ she thought.

“You are signed in.” appeared on the screen.

‘Finally’ she sighed.  She started to browse her MSN List, looking for Jassim’s name, ‘Hmmm he promised that he would get online at 11pm’ she wondered as she realized his name wasn’t there yet.  She immediately went into her Privacy settings and started to unblock the guys she promised that she would remove from the list.  This has gotten to be a routine, since Jassim had the password to her email address and she had his, she started to block and delete her guy friends every night and add them the next day when she was online.  Just in case Jassim decided to check up on her.  She scrolled down and found that Nasser was already online and started chatting up with him, having this normal chat, while waiting for Jassim to come online.  Nasser just felt more fun and easy-going, easy to talk to and be herself with.

Around an hour later, she saw, “Jassim has just signed in..”

‘Shit I think it’s now or never…” she wondered while waiting for him to message her.

Jassim says: gowa baby (Hello)

Jade says: allah egawek hala (Hello back to you)

Jassim says: shlooonich 7yate (How are you)

Jade says: wallah ebkhair el7emdella enta shloonik? (I’m good, thank god, and you how are you?)

Jassim says: I’m fine thanks for asking….


Jade started to think of a way to let him off, a way to break up with him and get it over with but it started to look like a hard task.

Jade says: Ummm, Jassim..

Jassim says: hala baby?

Jade says: I don’t think this is going to work out…. *she paused*

Jassim says: what won’t work out?

Jade says: you know what I mean, I don’t think we can be together anymore..

Jassim says: why baby what’s wrong?

Jade says: well we are two different people right now, and you are asking from me stuff that I don’t feel like doing anymore..

Jassim says: what stuff are you referring to?  I didn’t ask stuff from you?

Jade says: Yes you did, you are starting to change me, and not to a person that I want to be, hell you don’t even know for sure if I was changing or not, it’s just not going to work out.  You want to turn me into a hermit and I’ve had enough of it here from my family.  You go on and on, about how listening to any Rap music or Hip Hop & R&B is wrong because you hate the African Americans, you tell me that I am a slut for wanting to dance at my friend’s house party, you want me to wear the hijab just because you want it, you want to make me quit all of my friendships with guys when I was raised in a mixed school, I’ve had it Jassim… walla enough is enough… I feel like I am suffocating and I just can’t take it anymore… (‘& you’re ugly, short, fat and balding,’ she thought to herself, ‘not at all what I would want my future husband to be like no matter how much I loved him, you are totally not the guy I had in mind for myself’)

Jassim says: …..

Jade says: what’s that supposed to mean?

Jassim says: are you finished? is that all you wanted to say?

Jade says: for now…

Jassim says: So what makes you say that now a year after we’ve started going out? What suddenly woke up in your head and made you say these things? You know that I love you, you are the love of my life why now? Why?

Jade says: I’ve had enough, I just feel so wound up, so boxed into the tiniest of all boxes and I can’t find a way to breathe ..

Jassim says: Hmmmm…

Jassim says: I doubt that is the reason, are you sure there isn’t someone else? I bet there is someone else..

Jade says: no there is no one else why do you think there is..

Jassim says: you know what we should continue this talk by the phone I don’t think this is the right place for it, I really want to know what is up with you…

Jade says: Ok, call me…

(To be continued)